Category: love series

Love and Compromise

In which I discuss goals, conflict and Netflix’ Too Hot to Handle

So if you’ve been to a number of weddings in your life, chances are that if a Bible quote is used, you will have heard someone use 1 Corinthians 13. I don’t know if Paul realised that his words would become synonymous with fancy suits and dresses, speeches full of corny jokes or drunk-dancing to ‘Come On Eileen’, but thems the brakes. And why not? They’re good words that tell us a lot about what love should be like in an ideal relationship (I am using relationships in a general sense, not specifically romantic ones). I may end up writing a little bit about each one for the blog, I may not; but today I’ll focus on one specific section in verse 5: ‘it is never self-seeking’.

Too Hot to Handle

As much as we all pretend to be high cultured, i’m sure all of us enjoy a bit of trash tv. I am not immune; one of my favourite YouTube binges is Kitchen Nightmares. I love trash TV as a social experience too; shows like Love Island and Naked Attraction are hilarious car crashes of TV that make you wonder how this ever got made and why people would agree to go on them!

Lockdown is leading some of us down strange roads, and it lead me to Netflix’ new show Too Hot to Handle. The premise of the show is a typical dating show set up; put a bunch of single people in a tropical resort and see what happens. The twist to this show is that in order to win $100,000, they must all collectively abstain from sex, sexual touching and even kissing! If any of these rules are broken, the group as a collective is fined (a single kiss costs $3,000). This sets up the shows objective – to teach these people how to have more meaningful relationships by removing the physical aspects.

The show is equally frustrating and hilarious as all of these shows tend to be. One of the frustrating things is how some of the group treat the prize money as something to be spent rather than kept. The phrase ‘its only money’ is repeated over and over again by these people, which is fine when thinking about dropping £5 by accident, but not when talking about $100,000! What kiss is worth three grand?! That’s a life-changing amount of money! If I’d have been there it would have rapidly devolved into a hostage situation with me holding the contestants at gunpoint to run out the clock! However, it does lead to the hilarity that ensues as all of these people are just useless at keeping it in their pants! Six grand is spent within the first twenty-four hours, and half of that was out of spite! This is even more hilarious as Lana, a sort of Alexa pod that communicates to the group, will often read out the rules broken in excruciating detail!

Now you might be wondering “David, what is the point of all this?!”. Well young grasshopper, lets discuss!

Compromise

The show’s objective, aside from forcing people to blue-ball themselves for our enjoyment, is one of personal growth. The people who are selected are people who have a lot of casual sex, but never get any further with relationships. Its intimacy at its most superficial; one based on money, appearance and the number of Instagram followers you have. The goal of the show is to help these people grow by allowing them to develop more intimate relationships based upon emotional connection, rather than banging. All of the young singles are stunted in some way, whether due to emotional trauma or just because they cannot do one thing; compromise!

The people on Too Hot to Handle are to a person bad at this fundamental concept. Its a shame we don’t find out more about their backstories because they might clue us in to their thinking in this way. But they are almost always unable to control their urges for the sake of the group, with some of the rule-breakers becoming outright hostile towards the rest of the group for being upset. A few individuals are incapable of seeing their actions as being hurtful, not just to the money, but to the cohesion and trust within the group and amongst couples. Or they don’t care that their actions may hurt others, because who cares as long as I get what I want right?

We’ve all seen or heard people like this. Someone who is unable to compromise on the littlest things and cant understand why people have a problem with that, because why should they delay their gratification for someone else? Its a fundamentally selfish thing to be, and that’s why Paul says that love isn’t self-seeking. You choose not your own gratification, but to put others needs before your own. I think this has been brought home to a large extent by people’s reactions to the lockdown around the world. We have all seen the videos of backyard BBQs, sunbathers in the park or even larger protests in cities across the United States; all people who think that their ‘freedoms’ should not be compromised because of a deadly pandemic. Its the ultimate f*** you to everyone else; why should your safety matter more than my ability to get a haircut?

Its Not a Dirty Word

All of us have things we want out of life. These are the things that if accomplished will make you feel fulfilled, such as dreams, goals, wants and needs. Ill refer to them collectively as your stuff. Your stuff will encompass a wide variety of different things, such as your dream job, place to live, the kind of partner you want, kids, you name it. Its part of our DNA to want things, so there’s nothing wrong with having goals in life.

And were you to go through life alone, then you would be free to pursue your goals to your hearts content (legality and ethics permitting). But no man is an island and you will have to travel along with a collection of people, such as your family, friends and romantic partner(s). All of them will also have stuff, some of which may coincide with yours, some of which might put them at odds with you. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

I think in a lot of ways our cultural time and place is setting us up to fail at this. we live in a highly individualistic society, where you have to pursue your own happiness to be happy and fulfilled in life. You can probably imagine the crappy Instagram life advice posts that say things like “follow your dreams” or “live for you”; I hate these things not only because they are normally posted by people who have a lot of advantages to pursue their dreams to start with, but they also promote the self over other people. My happiness is the supreme importance over everyone else, and anyone who disagrees is a hater!

Now, this is not to say that I think we should give up on all of our stuff. Being in relationships with people is all about the negotiation of our various needs. Sometimes, you should definitely not compromise on your goals! There are definitely situations where you need to have hard boundaries, and if people cross them, you mat need to cut them off! There are relationships not worth maintaining if this keeps happening! But a lot of the time, we have to discern which of our stuff we need to keep, and which we can discard.

All the people in Too Hot To Handle are trying to learn this valuable skill. The show’s goal is to help them find love, not just sex. For many of them, this means sacrificing some things they wish they’d rather keep, things like independence, or the ability to sleep with whoever you want. And some of them do develop some self-awareness, becoming better individuals through it. They stop holding others at emotional distance by sacrificing the things they want that they think make them happy.

In all our relationships we will need to compromise on some things. If you like scary movies, but your friend doesn’t, maybe you decide mot to watch scary movies with them. Or maybe instead of going out you stop to chat to someone who needs an arm around their shoulder. Or maybe you choose to change jobs so you can help support your partner while they study. Obviously this should work both ways, but you need to be willing to do it in order for things to work.

God’s Compromise

God made us because He wants a relationship with us. He gave us free will so that we wouldn’t be blind robots, but would freely choose to love Him. But we have abused that free will through our sin. we think we know better, or should chase our own desires first, not caring about how we abuse God or abuse each other.

So what did God do? He sent us His Son. Jesus’ whole ministry shows a love that is not self-seeking; he got down into the dirt with the lowest of the low, the people none of us would care to so much as look at, and chose to help them first. he preached sermons about not seeking glory, power or riches, but seeking honesty, compassion and patience. His parable of the prodigal son shows what God will be like for us, welcoming us back with open arms with feasting and joy despite the hurt we have caused him. And most importantly, Jesus died on the cross, Gods ultimate compromise, allowing His Son to take our place, defeating death.

As a Christian, I have chosen to compromise some of my goals for a life with Jesus. This hasn’t been anything major, but has made me reconsider what is actually important to me, and has allowed me to adjust my goals so that I have new ones. Currently, my number one goal is my church family, but I have to prepare myself for a day when God might choose for me to be somewhere different. I hope that doesn’t happen, but someday it might.

Conclusion

We all need to learn to compromise. Without this skill, we will eventually be left alone as no one will want to know us. Compromising on some of your goals allows you to build something greater; deeper and more meaningful relationships of all types with the wonderful people in your life.

This is something I am trying to be better at. I am trying to make sure that I don’t always just follow what suits me best, but to listen to my friends and loved ones, in order to build better friendships with them. And more importantly, build a better relationship with God.

Romantics Anonymous – the False God of Love

Love is wonderful, but is worshipping love actually good?

You’ve probably all been there: the tingling sensation down the back of your spine as all the hair stands on end; the way you catch your breath when they walk in the room; the way the smell of their perfume catches your nostrils and makes yous stomach flip; the feeling of rising heat as they look at you and perhaps even smile. Then, if you’re lucky, so many more experiences come after, like the first time you hold hands, the first date, the first kiss. The strange, dreamlike quality the world takes on when you’re with them, like you’re in a real-life Disney romance. The feeling like they are the only person in the world who could understand you, that you would do anything for them, and indeed that they are your everything.

You’ve also probably been there when you lie awake in bed, mind running top speed, unable to get the thought of them out of your head. The time at work or in the car or shop you suddenly felt like you were going to breakdown. The panic as you send that message, and the melancholy when no reply comes. The constant feeling of being on edge around them, like every movement of yours will be dissected for weaknesses and flaws. The elation and panic when they arrive and the crushing emptiness when they leave. The days sat in the corner of parties, numb to the fun you could be having with your friends, or the nights spent staring at nothing, waves of self-loathing crashing down on you.

If you’re here, you’re probably a love addict. Not like a sex addiction, but an addiction to romance, to needing someone to complete you. If this is true, then welcome friend, because if this is a war then I am a seasoned veteran. And I’m here to tell you whats wrong, and maybe how you can fix it.

Love in the modern world

If you’re like me, it’s likely that the importance of having a romantic partner has not escaped you. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, whether its friendships, family relationships or others, but so much of the emphasis now is on the supreme importance of having a partner. But not just having a partner, having the partner. The cultural idea of ‘the one’, that single person who you were destined to end up with has become a central part of romantic relationships. So much of the media we consume reinforces these ideas, that to be truly happy you have to be with someone. I love this stuff, from the music of Taylor Swift, to crying at a good rom-com (Sleepless in Seattle or the Holiday are personal faves). Its in-built almost, part of our cultural DNA to love these things.

I feel like growing up in a religious community adds an extra dimension to this, because of the importance placed upon marriage and its perceived value. From quite an early age, children brought up in religious circles are told about marriage; when you hit your teenage years, speakers feel the need to address certain feelings that young people have that can only be expressed once married. This in part contributes to a much lower average age for getting married in religious communities compared to outside those communities. But it goes beyond that sexual element. I can speak from first-hand experience just how excited people in church get when a new relationship begins and almost immediately gossip starts about marriage and children. Some of us engage in it jokingly, others not. And its not just cultural thing because some stuff does come from the bible. the idea that man and woman become one flesh once married implies that two people become whole once bonded together.

All of these things put love and finding it on a pedestal equivalent to God. This may not be the same for everyone, as others may choose to put money and success first, and not unfairly, people may see that as being kind of cold. Because love is fantastic! When you’re in love with someone you feel so amazing because you have somebody who loves you back, who you can share secrets with and who you bond yourself with closer than anyone else. However, I do think this poses a problem for some of us, including myself.

What Are Idols?

When Paul and the first Apostles began preaching the gospel, they were doing so in a world that believed in pantheons of gods. In Acts 17 Paul arrives in Athens, the cultural capital of the ancient world, he is greatly distressed at their worshipping of idols (17:16). The idols of the ancient world were personifications of concepts, an image put to an idea so that the people could pray to that god for help with a particular thing. If you were going on a sea voyage for example, you might pray to Poseidon to keep you safe. In the modern day, we do not worship at temples but we still ‘worship’ things. We are human, its instinctive to search for meaning, something to build our lives around, your focus so to speak. The one thing that if you got it, would make you complete and whole.

Now some of these are easier to spot. Money, wealth and status are the obvious ones in a world of gold leaf on food, million dollar hyper-cars and social media influencers. But the idols of others are always much easier to identify than your own, and as Jesus once said “…first, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye” (Matt 7:5). So this post is about mine, which is love.

Worshipping Love

Idolatry is dangerous. It’s dangerous because it takes things that are good or fine for us in small amounts and puts them at the centre of our lives, giving these things an unhealthy prominence. Its a toxic relationship because whatever it is become so all-consuming you end up believing that its the only thing that will make you happy and you will therefore do anything to achieve it. You lose all perspective on the thing you worship.

In the wilderness, the Israelites often complained to Moses that God wasn’t giving them enough of what they wanted. In one particular passage, the people are complaining that they only have manna (Heavenly bread sent overnight by God) to eat. So God tells them that he will send quail to the camp, but that You shall eat, not one day, nor two days, nor five days, nor ten days, nor twenty days, 20 but for a whole month, until it comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you, because you have despised the Lord who is among you, and have wept before Him, saying, “Why did we ever come up out of Egypt?” ’ (Numbers 11:19-20).

Eat until it comes out of your nostrils. how descriptive of idolatry is that? Wanting something so much, that you take so much of it to the point its actually bursting out of you and that you end up hating it. This can be us with a lot of things; some people become addicted to alcohol, tobacco, drugs or gambling, and they can get treatment for those. But you who worship at loves altar are also addicts of a sort, with love being the heroin that fills your veins.

How best to describe love worship? Perhaps the best example I can think of is when you have a really intense crush on someone. From personal experience, its usually on people who I do not know that well. That element of mystery is exciting, but it also allows you to fill in the gaps, building them into the perfect person for you, or our cultures idea of a soulmate. However, a crush is only based on your perception of that person, and not the actual person themselves; they are just as complicated and messy as you are, but you have made them into something they’re not.

In relationships, whether with family, friends or romantic partners, we have to be careful we don’t turn our into idols. We put so much expectation on them, make them so much of our daily focus, our reason for being that we lose sight of them and their needs. If you do this, it is inevitable they will collapse under the weight of your expectation. They become like the titan Atlas in Greek mythology, cursed to hold up the world upon his shoulders for eternity. No one could stand up to that burden. But we can place people under that weight if we don’t force ourselves to keep them in perspective. This leads to breakdowns in relationships as you destroy those around you, not out of malice, but out of a desire to make them the centre of your world. It may also lead people to stay in toxic or even abusive relationships when they should really leave, because they have been lead to believe that they have no value outside of the relationship they are trapped in and would not be wanted by anyone else.

And when relationships end? Those who have a healthy perspective on their relationships will be sad, and be hurting, but will ultimately be able to move on. But if the person you loved was at the centre, your reason for being alive? their absence can rip a hole in your life so vast you’re unsure whether it can be filled again. You could become so depressed you can’t leave your house, or so angry you end up seeking to hurt the other person, just to give them an idea of how much they’ve hurt you. Either way, these are not healthy ways to live.

Rehab

So whats to be done? How do we move on from this? Well, I can speak from personal experience.

For the longest time, I really wanted to find love. I used to think about it all the time, hoping that one day I would find someone, the one person I’d want to spend my life with. Throughout my teen years and early twenties, I had many different crushes, but never acted on them really. I found it too intimidating! I thought that whichever girl it was was so great and I was so unworthy that they’d never talk to me. I was so worried about their approval, rejection would have been too soul-destroying. Looking back now, I realise that I always went for the wrong type of person as well. If a relationship had begun, it would have ended because we would have been too incompatible for it to have worked.

I’ve come to realise that I was just not capable of relationships in that time. My priorities would have been all skewed and I would not have been able to have a functional relationship with an actual person, just the god I made them into. To some extent, I think that still may be true. But I am working to change myself with help, to try and make this less central to my life. I need to be happy with just me first.

But, with all of these idols, there are put at the centre in place of something else. We all seek a meaning and focus, but we have chosen to replace God with something else, and that definitely includes people like me who put love at the centre. God can take the weight of that burden of love from us, that weight of expectation, where our loved ones would be crushed by it. We are told in Luke 12 to 33 Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Whilst this refers to money and gold, it could easily be applied to love. All relationships end, either through breakups or death, and the love in them could have withered away long before then. But God’s love is so vast and everlasting, you will never lose it once you have it. All you need to do is accept it.

37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment. – Matthew 22:36-38

Love and Vulnerability: Armour

As I have discussed in previous posts, being able to love often requires us to be able to remove the masks and clothing that keep people out. This can be very difficult to do, especially when we worry that others may not like us for who we truly are. It ultimately boils down to one thing, that revealing your secrets, especially the ones that paint us in a negative light, is to expose yourself to potential injury.

Wearing Armour

We are all familiar with the expression “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”. It’s taught to us as children in order to tell us that we shouldn’t worry what others say about us because the words cannot cause you pain.

What a load of crap!

We should all be aware of the damage words can do! Just look at the damage social media can do to someone, especially the young, when they cannot escape their tormentors. Words have a power sticks and stones do not have because they can cut right to the core of you as a person. Someone can zero in on an aspect of your personality or appearance and slowly destroy you.

This is where the armour comes in. Wearing armour protects you from these attacks, allowing you to continue functioning. It protects the core of your being from being damaged. This is something I learned to do at school because I am quite sensitive, so jibes at my person often hurt me quite badly. Or at least I had the appearance of not being able to care, because armour still has weaknesses.

Armour doesn’t just protect us from strangers though. Far more dangerous is the power the people we love have to hurt us. When we let people in, and they can see all of you, your foibles, flaws and damage, you are giving them access to ammunition that can hurt you really badly. When someone you love insults you, they have access to a far wider range of points to attack you for. It also hurts so much more because a level of trust has been broken in the attack; you let them in, and then they did this?! So putting on the armour prevents this kind of damage being inflicted because people never get close enough to access that kind of ammunition.

Rebuke and Weapons

“Whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favour rather than one who has a flattering tongue.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭28:23‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬

We often like to focus on all the nice things Jesus said and did. It’s easier that way. A cuddly Jesus with a warm, benevolent smile, perhaps a small child on his knee telling nice stories to an adoring crowd. And that part of Jesus is definitely real, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the whole story.

In Matthew 23, Jesus takes the Pharisees to task. The Pharisees were the religious elite, the establishment power. They were venerated because of their apparent holiness.

But Jesus saw through all of it. In Matthew 23, he describes them as “whitewashed tombs”! What an insult! It cuts right to the core of their hypocrisy! On the outside, they look completely clean, but on the inside is still a dead, decaying corpse.

This seems really harsh, and it is. But crucially, Jesus wasn’t saying these things to be mean or to try and hurt feelings. Jesus was rebuking out of love, wanting the Pharisees to change their ways and realise their faults.

The chink in the armour

Armour is useful but is also flawed. The more armour you put on, the more you can protect yourself, yes, but it also renders you unable to distinguish between personal attacks and genuine criticism. Imagine a medieval knights helmet, one that covers your whole face. I’ve no idea how they could fight anyone, you can barely see out of them! And that’s a problem because your perspective becomes blinkered. You cannot recognise when someone is criticising you from a place of love.

I was and still am really bad at this. As I said earlier, I am quite a sensitive person, so any attack causes my walls to go up and for me to go on the defensive. But this also means that I fail to tell the difference when someone is telling me something that I do actually need to work on. I get too locked in to a mindset of defence I cannot improve.

I have slowly been trying to work on this. The past year has taught me that this reflexive defensiveness is a serious flaw, one that prevents me from growing. A lot of the time, my friends aren’t saying things to hurt my feelings; they are merely being honest with me about things I need to work on. It’s hard to change an instinctual response, but I hope I can keep doing it.

Having friends willing to rebuke you to make you become a better person is a gift. Don’t squander it.

Love and Vulnerability: Masks

“…We refuse to wear masks and play games…”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:1-2‬ ‭MSG‬‬

As discussed in the previous post, being able to love sometimes requires us to be spiritually naked with one another, to reveal ourselves to one another so we can be loved for who we truly are. But that’s not what we always do.

What’s your mask

I don’t know about you, but I wear a lot of different masks.

Not real masks mind you. But masks that allow me to hide who I really am from others. They allow me to present an image to the world that paints me favourable light. Whether it’s a smile when I feel sad, confidence when I feel anxious, or righteousness when I do wrong, I have at various times worn all these masks.

Billy Joel called them the faces of the stranger. It’s a song all about wearing different faces and how they make us feel good. We all do it. Masks are convenient because they allow us to hide inconvenient truths from others. I know this drum has been beaten to death, but anyone who has social media does this. They cultivate their lives to project a certain image to others. It’s the imagined self, the way we would most like to be seen by others. But it’s not just how others see you. The mask can sometimes change how you see yourself.

Hypocrisy

In Matthew 23 Jesus really takes the Pharisees to task. They were the religious establishment, the people who were venerated above all others for their holiness. But Jesus saw that for a lot of them it was a mask; they had the veneer of being righteous, but it was all for show. The Pharisees hated him for it, because they couldn’t not separate themselves from the mask and see themselves for who they truly were.

Our masks can make us like that a little bit. We can wear them for so long we can trick ourselves into believing everything is ok, when in reality it’s not. They make us hypocritical which in the Greek means ‘play-acting’. It’s a performance of whatever the mask is meant to convey, whether success, love or happiness. And in some ways, that might be necessary, a sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it approach to love and happiness.

The problem with this is where love enters the mix. If you wear masks, people may fall in love with the mask and not the real you. Think of all the Instagram celebrities that people love. They are loving an approximation of a person who is by definition not real. This is a problem for both sides of the relationship/friendship; the bond is based on nothing concrete so might fall apart if exposed. An in some sense we may realise this and tie the mask even tighter to our face so it never slips. But this means that people will never be able to love the real you because they have never met them.

The façade cracks

I got really good at wearing masks.

A lot of this was for basic survival. If I looked like I was ok, then people wouldn’t probe. We are all good at assuming people are ok even when they’re not. And that is part of the problem with masks is that hey become toxic the more they are used. We get so used to wearing them, that we cannot see when we might actually need help.

This has been my situation for a while. Protecting others from my reality as much as protecting myself from the same became second nature. But once I allowed the façade to crack I was able to actually get help from others and let them see the real me. This is why I think my previous post is so connected to this one; being spiritually naked and vulnerable with each other relies on us taking off the mask.

And this has to be an active choice on your part. Because sooner or later, the mask will slip from your face, and like it or not, people will see the real you. It happened to me once; my mask slipped and a friend saw the real ugly truth and it changed our friendship. Because I hadn’t really opened that part of myself, it was a nasty shock for them.

So, choose to take of the mask. It will be painful, but I promise it will be worth it, as the friends that stick around will love you for the real you, and not some fake version.

Love & Vulnerability: Exposure


Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2:25‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬

It wasn’t until about a year ago that I became puzzled by something I read in Genesis. Genesis 3 tells us the story of the fall of man, how the man and woman were corrupted and ate the forbidden fruit. But what caught my eye was what the account gives as the first response of Adam and Eve when they had eaten the fruit:

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realised that they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3:7‬ ‭NIVUK

They realised they were naked.

It’s strange that the very first thing you’d notice after eating fruit that gives you the knowledge of good and evil is that you’re starkers. I can’t imagine suddenly Adam felt a breeze around his nethers and that’s what made him realise! The garden of Eden probably wasn’t chilly.

But the fact that Adam and Eve were naked is also mentioned in chapter 2; in fact it’s the final verse:

“Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2:25‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬

The fact that the Bible chooses to reinforce this point twice shows that it’s meant to teach us something. But I didn’t know what. But then I listened to a Timothy Keller podcast on Genesis 3 and how it shows us the different behaviours of sin. He made the point that the nakedness in the garden represents a different kind of nakedness for us.

Being Naked

The nakedness in the fall is a reflection of the fact that Adam and Eve had not sinned and only realised they were naked when they had sinned. Why? Not actually being naked, but realising that others can see your nakedness. And that changed how Adam and Eve saw each other and wanted to be seen.

Being naked means the people who see you can see you for who you truly are. There are no tricks, no way to hide, nothing to conceal all the things about yourself. You are completely exposed. Being naked in public is one of the more common nightmares people admit to having, and I think that speaks to the primal fear within us of what people might think if they saw us that way. Everyone could see all those little imperfections, those unsightly lumps and scars, that weird mole that’s slightly too big.

But it’s not always physical nakedness. There are some people who have no problem being naked in front of others (nudist camps, events and beaches testify to that). It’s not even nakedness within the context of sex, as some people find it easy to have multiple sexual partners. It’s rather more subtle and interesting than at first glance. Because the nakedness in the garden of Eden wasn’t just physical, it was spiritual.

The Soul Laid Bare

Adam and Eve only realised they were naked once they sinned. This is crucial to understanding spiritual nakedness, because being physically naked and spiritually naked are perfect parallels. When you’re naked in front of someone, you have no secrets. They see all of you, all the bits you normally cover up. We cover our shame with clothes to hide those pieces of ourselves (or in my case, many layers, but that’s due to being cold all the time).

Before they sinned, Adam and Eve had no need to hide because they had no secrets. They hadn’t done anything that they would need to hide from one another. But once they ate the fruit and had realised what they had done, they covered themselves, because they now knew too much that could be used by others against them.

We are not so different. There’s loads of stuff we hide and keep concealed from one another in order to make our lives ostensibly easier (although whether it makes them better is up for debate). We are scared that if people can see us they won’t like what they see. I know I kept a lot of stuff in for a long time, and to an extent I still have trouble trusting people with my secrets. I’m scared that people will abandon me or decide to use them against me.

But it shouldn’t be that way.

Love

Just think for a moment how many people you’d be willing to be spiritually naked with. Probably only a few right? Only closest family and friends, or if you’re lucky, your partner. You can be naked with them because you aren’t afraid for them to see your secrets. You can remove “clothing” around them to actually show them who you really are.

I was fortunate to make the group of friends I now have when I did. Before then there was a lot of hidden anxiety and trauma that I hadn’t begun to unpack. But what helped me was someone was willing to be vulnerable in front of me and lay bare their problems and worries. This allowed me to see that opening up wasn’t a bad thing, and that allowed me to open up and develop more meaningful relationships with my friends.

So yeah. In order to love, you have to be willing to get naked. You have to be able to let people see you at your worst, all the stuff you don’t think people would love you if they could see. Yes it’s scary, but you can achieve a depth of friendship or partnership you wouldn’t have done otherwise

And do you know what? Remember that God can see all these things that you hide from everyone else. He sees it all. And he loves you anyway. So you never know, others might too.

Love: Introduction

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:13‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬

So this is a weird one.

Throughout this past year, I’ve been thinking a lot about love. Whether it’s friendships, family, relationships, or Gods love, it’s all been swimming around in my brain.

God calls it the greatest of all things, even above faith and hope which are central to the Christian faith. This shows us just how important it is to love each other and ourselves, as God has placed love at the pinnacle of human existence.

Now I am very unqualified to talk about love, being not very good at it, but I also think conversely I’ve learnt more about myself and love through my failures and limited successes.

So this series will examine some aspects of what it means to love. It is meant to be inclusive of all the different forms of love that we can have as humans for one another, but also the love that God has for all of us.

So here goes nothing. I apologise in advance.